Co-Ho-Ho: Amusing tales from three cities

Amusing conundrums abound from Anchorage to Valdez

Windows of the CoHo, nestled between the Alaskan and Laura’s Liquor, are boarded up to prevent flying glass. At one time, the doors on the second and third floor lead to a fire escape. Photo by Dick Shellhorn/for The Cordova Times

It’s the Co-Ho-Ho time of the year. While there seems to be very little to laugh about in the news, one just has to glance at developments here and nearby to recognize amusing conundrums abound.

Pay for daisies

Take, for example, the beautification issue that recently landed in the lap of the Anchorage Assembly. Struggling to balance their budget, which incidentally is based almost entirely on property taxes and no sales tax, but a 15 percent bed tax on those of us who must often rent a room for a night, a proposal to save $1.7 million bucks by eliminating all those lovely flowers that make downtown Anchorage so pretty in the summer was suggested.

Guess what? At a meeting where the issue came up, the Assembly was greeted by strong opposition that arrived clutching roses and carnations, with pots of poinsettias and lilies lining the Assembly table. Remember Flower Power, back in the ’60s?

Ah, not to worry. Thanks to our new governor’s campaign promises to give every Alaskan a $2,500 Permanent Fund dividend next year, plus a possible retro payment bringing the amount up to $6,000, the city’s finance director suggested that increased revenue from garnishments, such as unpaid traffic tickets, could fund the flower and horticulture program.

Hey, based on my driving experiences in Anchor town, where the posted speed limits seem to be interpreted as minimum terminal velocity, at least 5,000 speeding tickets could be issued in a day. At $200 a whack, there’s a million dollars in short order.

And the officers issuing the citations could display a smile and say “PFD, baby. Pay For Daisies.”

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Meanwhile, right across the Sound, in the city whose school mascot is the Buccaneer, it appears hi-tech pirates have successfully extracted a ransom, garnering a small treasure chest of what are called bitcoins.

Somewhere Captain Hook has to be smiling.

Bitcoin blackmail

In a Nov. 25 Anchorage Daily News article headlined “Mat-Su Borough warning to employees: Cyberhackers may have stolen your personal information,” it mentions that “Valdez, hit by similar malware over the summer, paid four bitcoin to hang on to data. Mat-Su didn’t pay.”

Well, not really. The Mat-Su malware attack came with a $400,000 ransom request. After a conversation with their insurance company, the Mat-Su Borough Manager rejected the offer, and the cost of responding to the attack so far is over $2 million dollars.

Valdez, on the other hand, opted to pay a smaller ransom to retain potentially hacked data in a virus that infected 27 servers and 170 computers. They paid four bitcoins, digital currency equivalent to $26,623, in exchange for an electronic decryption tool.

According to Valdez City manager Elke Doom, the terms of the negotiations required “demonstration of successful decryption of multiple City documents and verification that the decryption key would not re-infect our system.”

So, the new high seas is the Internet, and crime does pay. Shiver me timbers. And trust your blackmailer.

During heavy rainfall, pumps are used to keep the Good Ship CoHo afloat.
Photo by Dick Shellhorn/for The Cordova Times

CoHo confusion

Meanwhile, closer to home, like right on Main Street, it’s not flowers or blackmail that has denizens scratching their heads, but water flowing out of a large diameter hose onto our major thoroughfare.

Accustomed to worst case scenarios in which water is being pumped out of vessels in danger of sinking, fishermen passing by have to wonder if the Good Ship CoHo is going down.

In fact, due to foreclosure proceedings, the city of Cordova is now the proud owner of one of the oldest buildings in town, and city council is going through the legal process of passing an ordinance to allow its disposal.

Whoever ends up with this Ancient Mariner better have considerable bitcoin.

Because of its location crammed between the Alaskan and Laura’s Liquor Shoppe, cost for removal of the aging structure has been estimated by one local contractor to be around $150,000.

In the meantime, after a window blew out in a recent storm and coffee drinkers from Laura’s had to scurry to avoid flying glass, the city covered all the windows with plywood to protect the safety of pedestrians passing by.

The water pouring out of the hose is coming from pumps removing leakage that floods the bottom floor. And the building has to remain heated, with water and power available so the sprinkler system remains active in case of fire. One has to wonder how much it costs to keep the old building warm, with steam from hot sourdoughs no longer wafting upward from its once famous restaurant.

So, there you have it. Three cities, and three conundrums perhaps worth a chuckle.

For now.

Will garnishment be the new catch phrase in Anchorage?  Will more malware pop up in MatSu, Valdez, or elsewhere?

And will someone really buy the CoHo?

Co-Ho-Ho.

A view of the back of the CoHo reveals that the front of the building is actually in relatively good shape.
Photo by Dick Shellhorn/for The Cordova Times
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Dick Shellhorn
Dick Shellhorn is a lifelong Cordovan. He has been writing sports stories for the Cordova Times for over 50 years. In his Cordova Chronicles features, he writes about the history and characters of this Alaska town. Alaska Press Club awarded Shellhorn first place for Best Humor column in 2016 and 2020, and third place in 2017 and 2019. He also received second place for Best Editorial Commentary in 2019. Shellhorn has written two books about Alaska adventures: Time and Tide and Balls and Stripes. Reach him at dshorn44@gmail.com.